The Endo Update
December 12th I had my latest endometriosis surgery. That marks my 4th surgery for it.
Before going in for the surgery, we had been under the impression this would be a minor operation. Once they were in and could see how bad it was, that minor surgery became a major one. The surgery took 4 hours to remove over 300 spots. Some of my organs had become fused together with scar tissue from my last surgery and had to be cut apart and put back in their positions. I had 7 different masses that had to be removed.
The recovery process has been daunting both physically and mentally. I started completely dependent on Norman to do anything. I’ve made progress, but I’m still heavily dependent on him. Some days are better, but then some days feel like I’ve gone backwards again. It’s mentally so hard to wrestle through the fact that healing isn’t linear.
About 2 days ago I really started being able to get myself up from lying down, but I still need his help to lower myself back down. It’s been incredibly humbling to admit that level of vulnerability and be so dependent. I can be upright for a more extended amount of time now (probably around 15 minutes) but then my body’s fatigue wipes me out. I’m hoping for a burst of recovery at some point while facing the reality that isn’t likely to happen.
Mentally it’s all taken a toll. I felt so disconnected from my body and my life at the start. It felt so discouraging to be once again recovering from a major surgery. Being confined to a couch all the time isn’t a dream situation. I ache to be able to just go on a hike again.
It’s easy to see the negatives when you feel so trapped, in pain, and unable to do anything to change that. But just because things feel heavy doesn’t mean that there isn’t good through it too.
I’m learning how to accept help.
I’m acknowledging that my value doesn’t come from what I can contribute.
I’m practicing how to love while unable to do much.
I’m being still.
Would this be what I picked? No, definitely not. But I have 2 options how to approach this - with bitterness over my circumstances, or with joy in the good that God is providing. You don’t have to pretend you’re not in a storm to still find gratitude within it.
God’s plans are far better than what we would pick for ourselves. I don’t think many of us would intentionally choose to walk through pain, when that very process of walking through pain is often what molds us the most into who He wants us to be.
“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope.” Romans 5:3-4
