An Unwanted Again
2 years ago I had one of the most traumatic years of my life. There were several different factors that produced this year, but one of the most major ones was my battle with endometriosis. This included 2 emergency surgeries a month apart, 9 ER visits, and a major surgery with a specialist that did change my life.
For those of you who are not familiar with endometriosis, it is a condition that affects women that causes spots and sometimes even masses to form. It is typically considered a reproductive condition, however, it has been found to spread into the whole body. In my case, I had spots all the way to my stomach. Endometriosis causes intense pain and inflammation.
As someone who was born to overachieve, I have an incredibly severe case of it. In my surgery with the specialist, they removed over 300 spots (500 if you count the more microscopic sized bits).
The physical, emotional, and spiritual pain I walked through in that year was tremendous. It formed me into the person I am today in ways I cannot even begin to articulate, and at the same time is a time I am grateful to have in the past. Every follow up appointment I have, I feel the weight of anxiety building up in me remembering those experiences. The relief that has come in those appointments when I hear the update that everything is okay is unexplainable.
And then the call came.
My bloodwork took a few days but came back with a protein level that indicates something is wrong. A normal level is 35. 45 is considered high. My levels are 265.
Another surgery.
I’m still struggling with the news. I feel grief over the pain of feeling at war with my own body. I feel the anxiety of all the unknowns. I feel the despair at another recovery and start over.
And yet God is still good.
My fear can find peace, because while I am completely powerless, I know exactly who has this all in His hands.
If the only purpose in this surgery is that I will still say God is good in the midst of pain then it is worth it.
God is with us in our most broken, vulnerable places. He isn’t accidental in His timing. He doesn’t allow suffering out of spite but rather out of mercy. Whatever it takes to make us run to God is always worth the pain.
I can point to God’s goodness on display already in so many ways, big and small, but in the midst of a confusing and disheartening time the one thing I want to do is use my story. The only thing worth saying is that God is good, and that in every season I will fight to still say those words.
