Skiddish

My initial experiences with having surgery were not the best. That’s probably not shocking when you consider that both of my first surgeries were emergency ones.

You probably would assume I am talking about the doctors or the recovery. I have nothing but positive things to say about the former, and the latter was tremendously impacted by the real culprit. My nightmares from the first surgeries I had came from the judgments of other people.

I am constantly anxious what other people will be thinking about my recovery. What if they see me taking my lap around the building and think I should be back to regular life? What if they see photos where I am standing and assume the same? I feel obligated to include a behind the scenes look into my constant lying down or to make something clear in a caption out of fear that if I don’t showcase what is really going on people will make decisions about me and my life that are entirely wrong.

Here’s the thing - I support vulnerability and transparency with what you share. I do think those behind the scenes peeks into the fact that I spent my holiday season lying down on couches and beds is healthy to remind people that what you see is never the full picture. But feeling obligated to do it in order to defend yourself to the court of public opinion is almost as unhealthy as trying to hide your problems with overly perfected photos.

The same concept should also be applied to in-person interactions. Just because I’m not vocalizing it doesn’t mean I’m not in pain. In my worst stage of endometriosis pain, I would go to work and work at a level 8/10 pain for the whole day, and then go to the ER in the evening. My choosing to push through and still show up didn’t suddenly negate the equal reality that I was in excruciating pain (sometimes I still think back in awe how I managed to do that). If I make it outside the walls of my apartment I should be celebrating my big event of the day, not feeling afraid that someone will see and make a judgment without the whole story.

This also reflects my own internal struggle with showing myself grace. For some reason unless there’s a cast or a fever I cannot accept that I’m not fine. I think that’s why God chose in internal condition to help break me of that. I want something tangible to show as proof of how I’m feeling. I don’t like saying I’m in pain or that I’m not yet able to do something. If I had 300 cuts on the outside of my body no one would be questioning that I need to heal, but God chose to have those cuts happen internally.

If you live your life in fear of the judgments of others you will live your life chained to their opinions. You will never be able to please others. You were not created to live a life defendable to others. Likewise you will never know what is going on in someone else’s life. What you see in person or online will never give you the full picture. Vulnerability should not be a performance or a defense. One of the greatest gifts you can offer to others is empathy.