Enough

After my third endometriosis surgery I felt like an imposter. It was the first time since my health had turned into a crisis and chronic condition that I was free from pain. As traumatic and dramatic as those months had been, I felt in many ways like a fraud. I was aware of the battle that most women with endometriosis had to push through to get a diagnosis, to be taken seriously, and to find healing. It felt wrong that my experience, as painful as it had been, had only spanned months in contrast to years for so many others.

Hearing the news that it was growing back again after only a year and a half sent me into a deep spiral. I felt thrown out into space again. I wrestled with comprehending what was happening in my body, while still being so overall pain-free. I questioned why I had to go through this again, when I had taken so little for granted since. I still cry on hikes at times from the appreciation of being able to move without pain - why would I be the person who needed to go through this again?

You don’t need to prove your pain or experience for it to be valid. There isn’t a quota of time spent suffering that needs to be checked off for your story and struggle to matter.

To some of the people who know me, it might seem comical that I struggled with this. After all, in the span of 9 months I had 3 surgeries (2 emergency) and visited the ER 9 times. I had endometriosis masses that were bigger than a newborn baby’s head removed. I had over 300 spots of endometriosis removed in a 6 hour surgery.

When I look at it objectively, it is ridiculous to dismiss all of that because it wasn’t long “enough” of suffering to really count, but I think more of us struggle with this than we realize. Your pain doesn’t have to meet a checklist to be worth caring about. You don’t have to “serve your time” in pain for your story to matter. This goes beyond just physical pain - emotional, relational, it matters.

You don’t have to reject healing in order for your experience to have been real.

Holding on to pain only continues to harm you, but just because you have healed does not erase what you went through. There will always be someone who has suffered more than you, but pain isn’t a competition.

If you had given me a choice, I would not have picked for my endometriosis to have come back. I wouldn’t have picked to have a 4th surgery. I wouldn’t have picked to walk through the recovery process yet again. But in hindsight I am infinitely thankful for this experience.

When you go through healing you grow in ways you could not imagine. I would not change the ways this recovery process has stretched me for the world.

I don’t think I ever would have come to this peace with my journey if my endometriosis hadn’t come back. Frankly, I don’t know what the future holds for me. I pray for long term healing, but if God’s plan has another surgery I know that He will provide the strength for me to get through that as well. At the same time, I don’t feel a need to justify what I have been through within my own body if God does heal me.

My experience doesn’t need to be “the worst” to have mattered. I can have peace with what my life has been and is.